So this whole interaction with self and identity was a very difficult one for me growing up.
在我成长过程中，我一直都很难处理自我与身份之间的相互影响。
The self that I attempted to take out into the world was rejected over and over again.
那个我尝试着向周围的世界展示的自我，被一次又一次拒绝。
And my panic at not having a self that fit,
因为没有一个合适的自我而带来的恐慌，
and the confusion that came from my self being rejected, created anxiety, shame and hopelessness,
以及因为被拒绝而产生的惶恐，引起了我的焦虑、羞愧还有无望，
which kind of defined me for a long time.
这些在很长一段时间里都限制了我。
But in retrospect, the destruction of my self was so repetitive that I started to see a pattern.
但当我回想过去，对于自我的毁灭反复出现，我开始看出一些规律。
The self changed, got affected, broken, destroyed, but another one would evolve
一个自我被改变、被影响、被打击破坏，但有一个新的会形成，
sometimes stronger, sometimes hateful, sometimes not wanting to be there at all. The self was not constant.
有时更强，有时充满仇恨，有时则根本不想出现。这个自我并不是恒定的。
And how many times would my self have to die before I realized that it was never alive in the first place?
在我还没有意识到这个自我曾经从未存在时，我的“自我”会死多少次呢？
I grew up on the coast of England in the '70s.
我于上世纪七十年代生长在英格兰的海岸边。
My dad is white from Cornwall, and my mom is black from Zimbabwe.
我父亲是来自康沃尔的白人，我母亲是来自津巴布韦的黑人。
Even the idea of us as a family was challenging to most people.
对于许多人来说是无论如何也想不到我们是一家人。
But nature had its wicked way, and brown babies were born.
但大自然自有意想不到的一面，棕色的孩子出生了。
But from about the age of five, I was aware that I didn't fit.
但自从五岁开始，我就察觉出我的格格不入。
I was the black atheist kid in the all-white Catholic school run by nuns.
我是一个信奉无神论的黑人孩子，在一个由修女运转的白人天主学校。
I was an anomaly, and my self was rooting around for definition and trying to plug in.
我是一个另类，我的自我在不断寻找一个定义并试图将自己套入定义。
Because the self likes to fit, to see itself replicated, to belong.
因为自我都是愿意去融入，看到自己被复制，有归属感。
That confirms its existence and its importance.
那能确认自我的存在感和重要性。
And it is important. It has an extremely important function.
这很重要。这有一个极端重要的功能。
Without it, we literally can't interface with others.
没有一个对自我的定义，我们简直不能和其他人交流。
We can't hatch plans and climb that stairway of popularity, of success.
我们无法制定计划，无法爬上潮流和成功的阶梯。
But my skin color wasn't right. My hair wasn't right. My history wasn't right.
但我的肤色不对。我的发色不对。我的来历不对。
My self became defined by otherness, which meant that, in that social world, I didn't really exist.
我的自我被他人定义，这意味着在社会上我并不存在。
And I was "other" before being anything else -- even before being a girl. I was a noticeable nobody.
我首先被定义为一个另类，甚至先于被定义为一个女孩。我是一个引人注意的没有人。
