I am, however, an expert in pretending to be an expert in various areas, so just randomly like everything else in this speech. I am or I was an expert in kissing on stage and on screen. How did I prepare for this? Well most of my preparation for this was took place in my school or rather behind my suburban high school in New Jersery one is obliged to do great deal of kissing in my line of work. Air kissing, kissing up and of course actual kissing. Much like hookers, actors have to do it with people we may not like or even know. We may have to do it with friends, which, believe it or not is particularly awkward, for people of my generation, it's awkward.
然而，我却是个善于在很多领域假装成专家的专家。所以就像这篇演讲稍后随便提到的其他事情一样，我是或者我曾是在舞台或银幕上接吻的专家。我是怎么准备接吻的？很多准备工作是在新泽西州郊区的高中或者在学校后面的某个角落完成的。我工作的过程中有大量的亲吻戏，飞吻，回吻等，当然这些都是真实的吻。因为演员的工作有时和妓女差不多，不得不和不喜欢甚至不认识的人接吻。我们有时不得不亲吻自己的朋友，不管你信不信，这样很尴尬，对我们这代人来说，这确实是件很尴尬的事情。
My other areas of faux expertise, river rafting, miming the effects of radiation poisoning, knowing which shoes go with which bag, coffee plantationing, Turkish, Polish, German, French, Italian, that Iowa-Italian from The Bridges of Madison County, bit of the Bronx, Aramaic, Yiddish, Irish clog dancing, cooking, singing, riding hourses, knitting, playing the violin, and simulating steamy sexual encounters. These are some of the areas in which I have pretended quite proficiently to be successful, or the other way around. As have many women here, I'm sure.
我还擅长在其他领域假装，如溪流泛舟、解决核辐射外泄、时装搭配、咖啡种植、模仿土耳其口音、波兰口音、德国口音、法国口音、意大利口音、《麦迪逊之桥》里面的爱荷华式意大利口音、一些布朗克斯语、阿拉姆语、意第绪语、爱尔兰木屐舞、烹饪、唱歌、骑马、编织、拉小提琴、模仿暧昧的性接触等等。这是一些我假装熟练并且取得成功的领域。我确信，在场的很多女性也和我一样在某些领域很擅长假装。
