And along with all my other exterior choices, I worked on, what actors call, my interior adjustment. I adjusted my natural temperament which tends to be slightly bossy, a little opinionated, loud, a little loud full of pronouncements and high spirits, and I willfully cultivated softness, agreeableness, a breezy, natural sort of sweetness, even shyness if you will, which was very, very, very effective on the boys. But the girls didn't buy it. They didn't like me; they sniffed it out, the acting. And they were probably right, but I was committed. This was absolutely not a cynical exercise; this was a vestigial survival courtship skill. I was developing. And I reached a point senior year, when my adjustment felt like me. I had actually convinced myself that I was this person, pretty, talented, but not stuck-up. You know, a girl who laughed a lot at every stupid thing every boy said and who lowered her eyes at the right moment and deferred, who learned to defer when the boys took over the conversation. I really remember this so clearly and I could tell it was working, I was much less annoying to the guys than I had been. They liked me better and I like that. That was conscious but it was at the same time motivated and fully felt. This was real, real acting.
在我对外部事物不断做出选择的时候，我也致力于调整内部状态，这一点也是演员们经常提及的。我开始调整我的内在个性，改变原来的跋扈、固执、大声讲话、喜欢下命令、训斥和心高气傲的个性，逐渐培养自己轻柔、亲和、语音甜美自然甚至害羞的小女生气质。这一招，如果你愿意用的话，对男孩子很奏效。但是女孩却不买账，她们不喜欢我，对我的娇柔做作嗤之以鼻，说我是在演戏。也许她们是对的，但我觉得我应该这么做。这不是开玩笑，我是在练习已经退化了的情场生存技巧。随着时光的流逝，我不断改变自己。到了高三，我真的成了我想象中的那个女孩，我说服自己相信我就是那个漂亮、聪明、平易近人的女孩。她在男生讲各种蠢笑话时咯咯地笑，适时低下眼睛假装害羞；在男生高谈阔论的时候表现出顺从。这些事情仍记忆犹新，事实上，这个方法真的很有效。那些男生都因此更喜欢我，包括原来那些不喜欢我的，而我也乐得继续假装下去。这些都是有意识的假装，但是同时，我却被此激励鼓舞，并且感觉这确实是完全真实的表演。
