Marine
Corps Lance Corporal Robby Mathews's family is cooking up his favorites today -- steak, veggies and red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting -- a joyful tribute on a somber day of remembrance. It's been almost six years since the active duty Marine died by suicide as he struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder and a suspected traumatic brain injury caused by an improvised explosive device that exploded under his vehicle in Afghanistan.
But this is the first Memorial Day that his wife, Aaron, felt ready to mark the holiday specifically in Robby's honor, after grappling with how to recognize Robby without letting his death define him.
CNN spoke to seven widows and family members of service members or veterans who died by suicide and they all reported similar feelings.
"I thought I was alone when I first became a widow," said Teresa Bowman, whose husband, Staff Sgt. Justin Ray Bowman, died in 2012. "I didn't want to talk about it because - I don't want to say I was ashamed - but because it's a taboo topic."
At first, Teresa would simply say that Justin died and leave it at that.
She stopped following military-related Facebook pages after reading comments criticizing service members and veterans who died by suicide. The judgment from within the community stung the most.
"You're told. 'He was a coward, he took the easy way out,'" she said.
The stigma of suicide leaves many families to mourn in private.
"Nobody knows what to say, so it's uncomfortable and you get to that point where you don't say anything," says Connie Dalton, the widow of Army Sergeant Major Bob Dalton, who died in 2015.
